5. Created to work, and work as a creative.

More and more recently I have been creatively exhausted. Even writing this blog today has taken more energy from me than I was expecting. If I haven't spoken to you recently, you may not know I have four different jobs (ish). Two of those jobs are choreographing musicals for High Schools. I have had this gig for about 6 years, but I have never felt as burnt out as this.

It's really interesting to be paid to be creative. Growing up in a family of musicians, I saw first hand the number of people that expected my family to share their musical talents with them. Do you pay your friend the musician to play for a family funeral? Of course not! They are your friend and would do anything for you. But then that means I wouldn't pay them to play for my wedding right? Well... no because they went from being a guest at your wedding to spending the whole weekend practicing and performing instead of celebrating with you. These are awkward situations. It's hard to understand that when a person is an artist and loves to be creative they don't necessarily feel the same joy when they are playing a pop song adapted for the cello. But this is reality. And if we are being honest, there is nothing my family loves more than being asked to play music for any occasion. What can I say! We are complicated!

You know what else is complicated? The idea that what we do on vacation is meant to be what we do as vocation. I was told over and over as a kid that I could do anything I wanted! Chase your dreams! So as a 9 year old dying to be a famous hip hop dancer, I decided I would be a dance teacher. (I was realistic after all) But one thing that I have come to learn over the years was that being paid to do what I love made me love it less at times. I get excited to teach, and choreograph, and share my knowledge etc. But I also dread thinking of new ways to step touch and pivot turn. And let me assure you, spending 13 hours a week creating ripples to cut time music will drive anyone mad. For any band geek who was a percussionist, you understand the struggle of counting out 16 measures of rests with only a black bar to stare at. You also know the frustration of when you inevitably lose your place counting and have to start back over.

So whenever I come to these strange creative crossroads, I have to remember what inspires me, and how to get through the dry spells. One of my quick fixes is music. I have a playlist full of music that I choreograph in my head. I love writing a narrative and then letting the dance unfold in my imagination. I will maybe write notes on the piece, but often times I get too excited and start dancing immediately. Unfortunately for my housemates, I fixate and play the song on loop for weeks at a time until my masterpiece is complete... Sorry Friends!

But this practice really helps me and brings me joy. Today I found myself grumpy and exhausted on the floor of my kitchen editing a dance for the students. (Yes, I sit in weird places when I am tired or need to focus. Don't worry about it.) I felt like I couldn't get the piece exactly right, and it was driving me insane. I am no perfectionist, but I am stubborn. I sat there for about two hours with a cup of coffee and fixated tenacity. Eventually I finished and accepted my end result... but I needed to brew another cup of coffee. Mentally tired, I cranked my dance playlist for some rejuvenation. Low and behold, the perfect song came on. I sat back down on the kitchen floor and let my imagination do the work. For the next few minutes my soul was full and my mind was renewed.

I think sometimes I forget that we are created. We as humans are living proof OF creativity! If you believe as I do: that we were created in the image of a creator, then you probably believe that we were also meant to create. What are you creating? Think hard about the last thing YOU made simply from your imagination. Hopefully something comes to mind immediately. But if it doesn't, perhaps you need to be asking yourself: Why haven't I used my imagination?

Recently a friend and I were talking about how our culture emphasizes the idea of fulfillment through work. We put in all of our time and efforts to build a career that will make us feel complete. With that comes the anxiety of picking the "perfect" career path. I know that studying the arts in school took a toll on me mentally. I felt like there was a "right" way to be creative. While there is technique and methods, there really isn't just one answer. It has taken months of trial and error to re-learn and unlearn things I was taught in school. I grew a lot through classes, but I also lost a bit as well. If any other artists feel that way then please give me a virtual high five! School helped me with a lot, but it didn't give me the "perfect" answers I was looking for. What happens when you find the perfect job, but still come home and feel like something is missing? Does that mean that your job is wrong? Is it reasonable to expect that any one thing will complete you? Or is it just that you need to fill your free time with the other things that are missing? I know that I have to work all week in order to pay my bills. But in those crazy weeks of work work work, It's easy to run out of time to create anything. So I, like many artists, chose to pursue my creative outlets for my job. I would be lying if I said I don't regret that choice many days. But on the days that I don't, it's pretty great. So now let me get on my soap box and preach to y'all.

Many people in my life are so creative and don't even realize it! Truly! I am constantly inspired by my friends pursuing medical jobs, and jobs as teachers. They pour out creativity in all that they do. Writing a bomb lesson plan or spending time to consider a treatment plan is not something that can be done without creativity. As cheesy as it sounds, I think we can all be creative in everything that we do. We just have to recognize that we are creators. It is good to be proud of our work, and it's good to feel joy in the simple things we create. My most creative endeavor this week was an egg bake for a staff Christmas party... It was a contest and my other co-workers honestly were so creative and made super delicious dishes. But yet I won. I was embarrassed because I had literally spent the whole morning feeling guilty that my dish was super ordinary and made with no recipe. I just put in my own favorite ingredients and left it at that. A part of me is still embarrassed honestly, but another part feels joy that I had fun creating a dish that gave others joy. It's been four days and I am still feeling happy about my decision to go rogue. So yes, I do feel a creative surge from making an egg bake. DEAL WITH IT.

I get to be creative everyday, even when it isn't taking pictures or choreographing a new piece. I may have to remind myself of that regularly, but I still know it's true. I believe we are created to create in order to bring renewal to the world. I also believe that creativity can bring renewal to ourselves. Created to work, and working to create. These are my reminders to myself and to you, if you find yourself in a similar position.

Even if you are creatively in a rut, or simply feel like you don't know how to be creative, take heart! It's Raining Somewhere.

-Hannah